Top Ten Things Not to Say
to and Amherst Bartender or Doorman
10.) "No really...this is me"
By saying this you are automatically surrendering the fact that the lD. isn't you.
That you paid a shit load for it and it just has to work. For now, turn around and head back to campus. Next time keep your mouth shut.
9) "How much is a.......?"
If you have to ask you probably can't afford it. If you have to askthe price on something else, just give up and order the cheapest, smallest draft. If you ask for a third time, use your last two bucks on a slice and go home.
8.) "It's O.K. he's cool."
No, that means your buddy is hammered. In the next fifteen minutes he's either going to puke or start some shit and get his ass kicked by someone. In any case, it's time to go.
7.) "I come here all the time"
This instantly indicates you've tried the all other uptown bars and can't get in. Your final shot comes when you ask the bouncer "is so and so working tonight?" The problem is your talking to so and so.
6.) "It's my birthday!"
You're telling everyone working in the bar that you deserve the right to be a jerk tonight. You want free drinks. You want and expect special service. Next time try a little humility. Get a friend to leak out that it's your birthday. The only difference between a birthday and a 21 st birthday is the bartender knows your friends are going to load you up with as many shots possible and leave you to pass out in the bar alone.
5.) "Hey, this tastes bad...here try it"
Every once in a while you might be served a flat beer or a white russian and milk has become a little funky. Maybe a beer at the bottom of the cooler and it's skunky. Now and then when it's busy, a bartender might put gin in your rum and coke. Well, bartenders are human. They make mistakes just like you. So why would any bartender want to try something that just put a sour face on you?
If it really tastes bad, he'll believe you and fix the problem. Just remember, bad and weak are two totally different things.
4.) "Gimmie a..."
Didn't your parents teach you any god damn manners? Phrases like "excuse me", "when you get a second" and "thanks" will always get you better service. Yelling out "yo" and "hey or referring to the bartender as "pal", "bro", "bud" "chief'or worse, "dude" is a sure way to be avoided. That's unless you're hot and/or tipping well.
3.) "Do you know how to make a...?"
Most bartenders don't give a shit about some new stupid drink that was made up by a guy trying to get his roommate to blow chunks. If you want cat pee and red bull, it's yours. Just leave a tip.
2.) "What should I have?"
Does that person behind the bar look like a fuckin' mind reader? At least have some idea to what you might like to drink before you start wasting the bartenders time. Especially when it's busy. Choosing between beer, wine or liquor would be a great place to start. Try to be on the same page as the other 99.9% of your fellow customers. "Surprise me" is the worst kind of order. You'll get the nastiest, weakest and most expensive drink known to mankind.
And for god sake, please, place the order all at once. Nothing pisses off an Amherst mixologist more than asking for six car bombs and then wanting three more right after he made the first six.
1.) "Make it strong!"
This by far is number one. It's a pure indicator that you haven't been going to bars for that long. .. or you're a scumbag or both. First, most bartenders don't like to be told how to make a drink. Second, it's in the best interest of the bar as well as the bartender to pour consistently. No point of making the first few really stiff when you just have to shut someone off early because their too smashed. Third, this is America, ya get whatcha ya pay for. You want a double, you pay for a double. Showing the bartender a little love with a bigger tip might get you a healthier cocktail. Maybe. Last and most important, be polite. In the long run, being courteous will always out weigh the asshole that shouts for service. His extra tip just isn't worth it.
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